The Parent and Child Relationship

One of the issues that got me into hot water and was completely misinterpreted was my fascination with the way children are treated here.  I was told that I am always comparing things to America - of course I am - but not as "right" or "wrong" - "good" or "bad" - just fascinating to look at and appreciate how our native society determines our values.

In my family household here, there are the mother (39 years) and father (49 years), 14 year old sister ( the "ate"), 16 year old brother (the "kuya") and two young girls aged 5 and 7. 

The older sister and brother do most of the work here everyday - they alternate making the dinners and cleaning up (not quite like in the states - here, things are cooked over a flame and plates are handwashed in soap and cold water).  This is every night. 

The mother (or a hired laundry person) does the washing and usually the hanging of the laundry on the outside line - again, all laundry is done by hand with a scrubber - and for a family of 6, it is a lot of work and your body hurts afterward.  However, again, alternating, the ate and kuya do the folding, ironing and putting away of the laundry - usually done every three days.   I've even seen the ate get up before school (she leaves at 7:30am) to iron clothes for the little girls.  She is also responsible for the evening showering of the little girls - usually done just before she starts cooking dinner.

This is expected here - that the older brother and sister do most of the work and hold the family together.

And, the younger children play - even when the older siblings could use help.  And they make messes, and are generally 'makulit' - annoying.  I mean they only make messes and are served their entire waking hours - they even yell, "Tapos na!" when they are finished on the toilet, and their parent goes in and wipes them.  It is spellbinding to me how makulit the little girls are and how responsible and quiet the older children are.  In the early days, when I asked questions, I asked the ate about this.  She told me that when she and her brother were little, they were even more makulit than her little sisters!!!  Hard to believe, but their cousin verified this for me one day - she said she hated to come over here because they were so badly behaved.  I asked when that changed - she said only when they began high school!!!  When I asked Ate what would happen when she was older, she replied, "I will be very tired" - no kidding! 

It is amazing to me because the teenagers are SO responsible, helpful and quiet.  I contrast this with the American upbringing of having consequences for poor behavior and teaching the child how to behave in different circumstances from an early age.  Here, in my family, there is little to no discipline and mostly acquiescence to whatever the child wants - the exact opposite of what all the child psychologists in the US say is healthy.   However, in America, when a child becomes a teenager - rebellion starts; and I know many adults who continue being 'makulit' into adulthood!  Here, when you become a teenager, you have responsibilities and expectations, and for some reason, teenagers settle right into them - not forced into it, but seemingly out of respect and face saving.  And, as many of my ruminations - one wonders about the "scientific validity" of research when practices do seem to work in other cultures - doubtful that psychological research is cross-cultural...

One of the hardest things for me to get used to here is that the girls are allowed to do whatever they wish - and my personal space is a lot larger than theirs.  This includes touching me on my butt and laughing, "Malaking puwet!" (Big butt).  I thought they would get tired of it, but they still are doing it (as well as patting my boobs "titi") after several months.  They also invade my room and get into all of my things...I've had to lock my door, which is not what I'd really like to do.  But they can really make me crazy. 

And for such tiny little girls, they are LOUD.  Another fascination:  when we are watching tv, they are cross-talking and yelling at each other....but no one asks them to even lower their voices - and everyone (except me) seems to be able to ignore them and can still hear the program on the tv!!  I can't figure out if I'm just lousy at concentrating, or my ears are really having problems.

For Christmas, I gave them each a pair of sparkly earrings - and the next day, the youngest had dug out the "jewels" and totally broken the earrings.  I guess it was okay and expected - no one said a word; as usual they just laughed.  This was similar to the coloring books and crayons I bought them when I first got here - they broke all the crayons, ripped up some of the pages...and proceeded to throw the pieces of crayon at me, with onlookers.  Yep - the culture is different.  My problem is that in trying to understand what was normal, I asked questions - which was interpreted as criticism.  Although I personally get irritated with the way the little girls treat me, how could I possibly negatively comment on which way is "better" - I don't even think that way!  But, the outcome seems pretty good here and one has to wonder about the research into the best child-rearing practices.

It's fascinating.