The Parent and Child Relationship

One of the issues that got me into hot water and was completely misinterpreted was my fascination with the way children are treated here.  I was told that I am always comparing things to America - of course I am - but not as "right" or "wrong" - "good" or "bad" - just fascinating to look at and appreciate how our native society determines our values.

In my family household here, there are the mother (39 years) and father (49 years), 14 year old sister ( the "ate"), 16 year old brother (the "kuya") and two young girls aged 5 and 7. 

The older sister and brother do most of the work here everyday - they alternate making the dinners and cleaning up (not quite like in the states - here, things are cooked over a flame and plates are handwashed in soap and cold water).  This is every night. 

The mother (or a hired laundry person) does the washing and usually the hanging of the laundry on the outside line - again, all laundry is done by hand with a scrubber - and for a family of 6, it is a lot of work and your body hurts afterward.  However, again, alternating, the ate and kuya do the folding, ironing and putting away of the laundry - usually done every three days.   I've even seen the ate get up before school (she leaves at 7:30am) to iron clothes for the little girls.  She is also responsible for the evening showering of the little girls - usually done just before she starts cooking dinner.

This is expected here - that the older brother and sister do most of the work and hold the family together.

And, the younger children play - even when the older siblings could use help.  And they make messes, and are generally 'makulit' - annoying.  I mean they only make messes and are served their entire waking hours - they even yell, "Tapos na!" when they are finished on the toilet, and their parent goes in and wipes them.  It is spellbinding to me how makulit the little girls are and how responsible and quiet the older children are.  In the early days, when I asked questions, I asked the ate about this.  She told me that when she and her brother were little, they were even more makulit than her little sisters!!!  Hard to believe, but their cousin verified this for me one day - she said she hated to come over here because they were so badly behaved.  I asked when that changed - she said only when they began high school!!!  When I asked Ate what would happen when she was older, she replied, "I will be very tired" - no kidding! 

It is amazing to me because the teenagers are SO responsible, helpful and quiet.  I contrast this with the American upbringing of having consequences for poor behavior and teaching the child how to behave in different circumstances from an early age.  Here, in my family, there is little to no discipline and mostly acquiescence to whatever the child wants - the exact opposite of what all the child psychologists in the US say is healthy.   However, in America, when a child becomes a teenager - rebellion starts; and I know many adults who continue being 'makulit' into adulthood!  Here, when you become a teenager, you have responsibilities and expectations, and for some reason, teenagers settle right into them - not forced into it, but seemingly out of respect and face saving.  And, as many of my ruminations - one wonders about the "scientific validity" of research when practices do seem to work in other cultures - doubtful that psychological research is cross-cultural...

One of the hardest things for me to get used to here is that the girls are allowed to do whatever they wish - and my personal space is a lot larger than theirs.  This includes touching me on my butt and laughing, "Malaking puwet!" (Big butt).  I thought they would get tired of it, but they still are doing it (as well as patting my boobs "titi") after several months.  They also invade my room and get into all of my things...I've had to lock my door, which is not what I'd really like to do.  But they can really make me crazy. 

And for such tiny little girls, they are LOUD.  Another fascination:  when we are watching tv, they are cross-talking and yelling at each other....but no one asks them to even lower their voices - and everyone (except me) seems to be able to ignore them and can still hear the program on the tv!!  I can't figure out if I'm just lousy at concentrating, or my ears are really having problems.

For Christmas, I gave them each a pair of sparkly earrings - and the next day, the youngest had dug out the "jewels" and totally broken the earrings.  I guess it was okay and expected - no one said a word; as usual they just laughed.  This was similar to the coloring books and crayons I bought them when I first got here - they broke all the crayons, ripped up some of the pages...and proceeded to throw the pieces of crayon at me, with onlookers.  Yep - the culture is different.  My problem is that in trying to understand what was normal, I asked questions - which was interpreted as criticism.  Although I personally get irritated with the way the little girls treat me, how could I possibly negatively comment on which way is "better" - I don't even think that way!  But, the outcome seems pretty good here and one has to wonder about the research into the best child-rearing practices.

It's fascinating.

Stranger in a Strange Land - 6 months in the Philippines

Stardate February 16, 2011....one of the worst days/weeks/years of my life. 

We had entered the nebula TawKabui during the height of the rainy season of torrential rains on our Peace and Hope mission  from Starfleet.  We entered hesitatingly, not knowing what we would find.  It was miraculous- the inhabitants were friendly by nature and seemed to want all sorts of help from our universe.  However, not knowing this planet, we worked slowly with communication and double checked slowly and methodically what they wanted from us - for ours is a mission of peace; not of forcing things on civilizations who don't want what we offer, or will discard it after we leave.  We were thrilled that their commander expressed that we should proceed and even invited several outsiders to work with us to set forth a plan.

Fortuitously, they spoke our language - but in hind sight our problems came from not completely understanding that while we could communicate with words, the concepts and meanings were not the same - and although we thought they understood what we were communicating - they did not; and although they felt they were communicating and were understood - they were not.  However,  we seemed to make fast friends with the natives and were invited to tribal gatherings and celebrations while we worked feverishly on several projects that they had requested - luckily for us, we were from the future, and had knowledge of the things they most desired - or said they did.  That again became an issue - our speed felt like the speed of light to them.  We assumed when they asked us for something that we should do what they asked - apparently theirs was just an inquiry rather than an expectation that action would be fulfilled on the request...another mistake on our part.

At the height of their rainy season in mid-December, most work ceased here, and there were almost daily celebrations for their high holy days of Christmas.  We traveled with them and made several connections with officials attending one of these celebrations - and received promises of free medical exams for the children, funding for a garden project for their vocational training and agricultural help from professors at their university here.  Actually, we were rather overwhelmed with the response, and worried about getting everything in order to submit proposals as the officials had requested. But, working with key people, we were able to have follow up meetings with the officials, which actually stunned the Kabuians - they were not used to asking and receiving help.  Nor did they know how to

We proceeded with composing a communication portal for them - called a website here, and also a "newsletter" vehicle that they can send out over their computer system via templates that we set up for them.  We also recorded for them our knowledge of specifics on the disabilities afflicting their children and documented it in a 100 page resource notebook.  They seemed quite happy, but somewhere along the line something that they call "chika chika" started undermining things, as well as our over-zealous attitude of accomplishment.  After the fact, we heard many "she said ___"  and "she said ___" (which we had never said), which illustrated how badly things had been misinterpreted.  And, how resentments fomented.

Thus, on February 16th we had a major miscommunication with the rulers here, resulting in harsh words from both sides.   Through many miscommunications and gossip (the chika chika), our best efforts were viewed as being thrust upon them and they were insulted.  Little did they know at the risks we had taken to provide recommendations for their interests through personal requests - so not only were they insulted, we endangered personal relationships at home by vouching for these people.  They actually called Starfleet and asked them to send us on our way - but, luckily, our Sector Manager immediately flew here at warp speed for a mediation termed "intervention".

We cannot express the depths of angst we went through during this time - to think that we came on a mission of Peace and Hope, and unwittingly insulted people we only intended to serve.  Also, our lodging was furnished by family, and these kind people would not look at us or speak to us for many days.  To say the times were awkward is an understatement.

We are still apologizing daily, although we have finally stopped the waterfalls of tearful regret offered last week.  And, we now do not trust what we thought was a common language (lord knows we can only barely speak their native tongue!).  We also see clearly that, although they appear to have similarities to us, that they are truly a distinct culture - a universe apart from ours - they do not understand our culture or mannerisms just as we do not understand theirs.  We find ourselves in a very uncomfortable daily life now - one of reparation of our actions - although we trust no one. 

Where we once laughed and asked about their culture, we have ceased those questions, which were interpreted as criticisms of their culture - so, our curiosity has been curtailed.  The nature of their religion is such that we never felt comfortable addressing it in any way - except to say that we worshipped at our own church - however, that did not stop them from trying to convert us and pressure us to attend their church (they attend daily from 4-6am, except Sunday when they are there from 8-6pm).  We have had intimations that they view us as heathens, but there is little that we can do to help that except abide by our morals.  They have said that only their prayers will help these children, which is difficult to hear when we have techniques that will help them, but we are abiding by their wishes.

We were also recalled to Starfleet to meet with the Commander in Manila and her generals.  Although it appeared to be a follow up protocol for the "intervention", of which I am not familiar, it was a grueling and humbling process.  We were blamed for the entire misunderstanding and told to cease moving forward and just to exist with these people to understand their ways.  This is very difficult for us, but we are now exploring more of the area and attempting to go outside of this group to affiliate with others on this large island province.  Thankfully, Starfleet did not see fit to put us on probation or send us back home, but it is abundantly clear that we are strangers in a strange land here, and for now, are in protection mode.

Written with sadness and wariness,
February 28, 2011